I often have people come in for depression, anxiety or just everyday life stress. They are not coming in to talk about their marriage. But later, it becomes the focus of our conversations.

Usually, I ask about what is working or not working in their relationship. As they begin to dig underneath the surface, they often discover that they are not really happy in their relationship, and that this relates to their overall feelings of stress and unhappiness. Often, they realize that they have been “coasting”; that is, they were on auto pilot. That’s what we do once we are comfortable in a relationship. While most people will indicate that they understand that relationships take work, we sometimes forget that this work is ongoing in healthy relationships. You shouldn’t be working so hard in a relationship that you are fighting for it–but work is attention. Attention is maintenance, and maintenance is good. We do maintenance work on many other things in our life. Our cars- for oil changes and frequent mile checks, our health for annual wellness visits and when random pains come up, and our jobs with reviews and target goals. So why not out marriage? We are all changing constantly. We are not the same people that we were at age 25 or whenever we got married. So why would we expect that the marriage that we created at one age should still work for when we are 5,10 or 20 years older? You have to change and adjust the expectations of a marriage to you, as individuals and couples evolve—hopefully together.
So what can you do? Here are some basic tips:

• Plan regular date nights
• Find time to share your needs and expectations of each other
• Communicate on a regular basis, and be aware of how your communication styles and needs might vary—and respect these differences.
• Have some individual interests – take care of yourself first. It is much easier to support and help others if you are feeling that your self-care needs have been met.
• Talk about sex. Yes, talk about sex and your own sexual needs in the relationship